Don’t call me Shirley! The Power of Active Listening

8 min read

Those of us above a certain age will remember the iconic comedy film “Airplane!”. It is full of one-liners as it wends its way from one ridiculous joke to the next. An almost throwaway line comes when the main character, Ted, is asked if he can fly a plane, “surely, you can’t be serious?” he says to Leslie Nielsen’s character, Dr Rumack, who replies with the timeless, “I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley”. It’s absurd, unexpected, and (I think) very funny.

If this had been real life, however, this kind of communication breakdown could be really damaging. It’s not just that Dr Rumack has misheard Ted, he is clearly not listening closely, and he is dismissive of Ted’s concerns. He doesn’t take in anything about Ted’s expression, body language, tone of voice, or mental state, and is just acting on his own concerns and agenda, ignoring Ted almost entirely.

I’m sure most of us will have been in similar situations, and in real life it’s no joke! So, how can active listening turn this situation around? How is it going to help, what is it, and how do you employ it successfully?

What is it?

In a nutshell, it means you actually have to listen to the other person.

Digging deeper, it is a method of listening that puts the onus on the listener to take a more active role in a conversation. It requires you, as the listener, to concentrate on, understand, and remember what is being said. You need to engage with the person speaking, show empathy, respond appropriately, and provide feedback. It requires a strong focus and a conscious effort.

Sounds a bit like hard work. So why put the effort in?

Benefits

Listening is surprisingly hard to do well. There are, however, a number of clear benefits to you and your team if you can do it successfully.

Improved understanding and problem-solving

A study published by Guy Itzchakov and Avraham Kluger in 2018 found that people who were actively listened to were able to understand the topic of discussion better than those who were paired with distracted listeners. They were less anxious and felt encouraged to share their opinions more.

This more readily allows the sharing of ideas, which can lead to more innovative solutions and effective problem-solving.

Trust, collaboration, and development

It also benefits the listener, making them more able to balance different sides of the discussion, so that conversations become less one-sided, less divisive, more complex, and include greater nuance. This can be extremely important where there is a dynamic such as a manager and employee, and can help to build trust.

The study referenced above found that this approach made employees “more likely to cooperate (versus compete) with other colleagues” and that it made employees “more relaxed… and willing to reflect in a non-defensive manner”.

When team members feel their input is valued, they are more likely to contribute ideas and collaborate on finding solutions. They are more likely to be receptive to feedback and enable personal growth.

The British Heart Foundation also advocates for active listening, saying it “can help avoid misunderstanding and reduce the potential for conflict”.

All things you would want to promote in a working environment.

Productivity boost

Active listening can also help team members clearly understand their roles and the tasks they are assigned, as it enables focussed and relevant feedback and reduces misunderstandings. This can lead to more efficient working. This is backed up in a study by Salesforce (2017) which indicates that when employees feel their voice is being heard, they are 4.6 times more likely to “feel empowered to perform their best at work”.

Happy people tend to work harder and produce better work, look for solutions, suggest improvements and be actively engaged in ensuring the best outcomes are achieved.

How to do it

So, you’re sold!

Where do you start?

There are a number of tactics you can use to show you are listening:

Pay attention:

Try to ignore distractions. This will show directly that you are focussed on the speaker.

Use non-verbal cues:

Make eye contact, face the person, nod your head, smile at appropriate times. You can make affirmative noises to indicate listening without interrupting.

Look for non-verbal cues:

You should try and pick up on the non-verbal hints you are being given as well, such as what their body language is telling you, their facial expressions, and also their tone, as well as the volume, of their voice.

Seek clarification:

Ask questions, repeat your understanding of the situation back to them. Not only will this make you appear more sensitive and emotionally aware, it will also signal acknowledgement of how the other person is feeling, which can be a strong bonding mechanism in relationships.

Focus on the objective:

It is useful to try to remember the purpose of the conversation. What is the desired outcome for each party, is it a shared outcome, or do you all need something different?

Most importantly, stay focussed and present, and concentrate on processing what is being said.

All of this will make the other person feel listened to and that you care about what they are telling you.

Mistakes

With so much to remember, it’s easy to get distracted by appearing to listen, especially when you are first getting used to the concept. You can get so caught up in nodding your head and making eye contact, that you forget to actually listen.

It is deceptively easy to tune out and let your mind wander onto other things. External distractions are ever present. Don’t ever be tempted to check your phone during a conversation, this is really off-putting, shows you are not engaged and that you don’t put a high value on the conversation.

You can share your own stories but be aware of hijacking the conversation away from its original purpose. If someone has shared something with you it’s ok to show understanding from your perspective but recall why the other person has shared this with you. It’s not so they can hear your story (unless they ask of course). If you make it about you, it’s possible that you haven’t really understood what the other person needs from you. Ask questions instead. This will show you are listening and even that you’d like to know more.

Give the other person time to say what they want to say. Interjecting with your thoughts is common, and conversation can flow naturally that way, but be aware if you are frequently interrupting someone, they may not be able to get across what they want, they may feel you are not listening to them, and they may disengage.

Equally, don’t start developing your response while the other person is speaking. This means you actually stop listening to what they are saying. You have potentially jumped to conclusions as well, or completely misunderstood.

Know your audience

You also need to be aware of the individual you are talking to and how they are reacting to you. For example, some neurodiverse individuals may find eye contact very difficult and avoid it. This doesn’t mean they are disinterested (or rude!). If someone is neurodiverse, or alternatively, potentially is suffering with poor mental health, they may not react and interact in the way you expect. For example, someone with ADHD may well interrupt you frequently; be aware of this possibility even if you don’t know the person well and give people a chance. You need to be adaptable in your approach and tailor it to the actual person in front of you. Leanne Maskell, founder of ADHD Works, suggests that a good way to help someone who is suffering with their mental health is to listen without judgement and avoid giving advice.

She says: “This can be one of the hardest but most effective things to do for someone else. Very often, we just want to be validated. We don’t want advice or to hear about why we shouldn’t feel the way we do”.

Understanding and recognising that one of your team may react and think differently (or is going through a hard time), and taking the time to just listen, can be an empowering feeling and shows that you genuinely care.

Make a change

Like most things that are worthwhile, you have to work at listening. Having the intention is a great starting point, but you also need to make a conscious effort to listen effectively. It is “active” listening after all. You can’t get better at anything unless you practice.

Don’t worry if you don’t master it straight away. Just trying to listen more effectively will make a difference to how the other person feels. Don’t strive for a perfect conversation, just make sure you come away having truly heard the other person. Small changes can make a big difference. Good communication is key for effective team working, and successful listening is a huge part of getting communication right.

And most importantly, don’t call me Shirley!

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